You see, there is this boy.
A dark-haired boy with light brown eyes who, when he gets excited, he has the brightest, boyish smile that will change the mood of an entire room, and one I could stare at all day. He’s a boy that snuck into my life. But I suppose that’s not totally true, I opened the door. All it took was one casual swipe on one casual app and now I can’t imagine my life without him in it. One message on one day that turned into multiple messages every day for 30 days. We exchanged numbers. We talked about travel. He sent me photos of his art, I sent him photos of dance parties from my weekend in New Orleans. And then, a month after that first message, we met.
It was a warm day at the end of May. I almost didn’t go. I put him off an hour and then almost cancelled altogether. But, I did show and we met at the park just before sunset. He brought a blanket, a bottle of wine (per my request, Rosé) and some camping mugs for us to drink from (an odd detail which I adored because I have a strong fondness for camping mugs - but he does not know this). I also brought a bottle (also Rosé), which was altogether too much wine for two people, but I didn’t want to seem like the sort of person who doesn’t contribute.
I was wearing my sleeveless long black cotton dress that hugs my curves just right, with a jean jacket to ward off the spring evening chill. He was wearing his ‘date shirt’, a short-sleeved button down shirt with a crazy orange pattern on it that I immediately loved for its charming quirkiness.
As I approached Prospect Park, he was casually leaning against the stone wall of the entrance with his bike by his side. Seeing me approach he flashed that boyish smile and began to walk toward me. As he did, I immediately knew I was in trouble because in that moment I knew I was going to like this boy. Perhaps already a little too much.
In the park, we talked as the sky went dark and both bottles were emptied. I had worn red lipstick that day - something I tend to do on first dates to, A) prevent me from kissing the boy in question, and B) because I look good with red lips, but by the time bottle two was empty, he was also wearing my red lipstick. Both of us, happy drunk clowns - and me, with those early falling feelings.
What I didn’t know then is that this boy, over the course of a summer and autumn, with daily banter over texts, weekly drinks or dinner, movie nights and the occasional adventure, would become my best friend. I thought I could trick myself into believing I could do a ‘casual’ relationship (per the nature of this city) and that this one particular boy didn’t matter, but it didn’t work. I’d be out with other boys and think only of him, wonder what he was up to, wish to be with him. Every time my phone buzzed I brimmed with excitement when I saw his name pop up, or was filled with disappointment if it were anyone else. He had somehow become the person I spoke to everyday and was the closest person to me in New York. A person I’d known for only a short while, but who felt as if he’d always been there.
So when we decided to become friends – just friends – it felt hard. Each time I saw him I wanted to kiss him, touch him, hold him. But because he is a person I knew I wanted to keep in my life, I was determined to make this friends thing work. Determined not to cross any boundaries.
I remember the first time I realized I might love this boy. It seemed like such a crazy possibility and I wouldn’t let myself admit it. Because, how could I? So, I forced myself to believe that maybe I loved him as a friend. Because friends love each other and want the best for each other and support each other and want to be around each other always and enjoy bantering with each other; and friends are affectionate and sometimes joke about cuddling and sometimes you think about your friends all of the time – right? So I probably loved him as just a friend. Or at least this is what I would tell myself to help me keep my friendship boundaries in place while I held onto a secret hope that perhaps, maybe, I was more than a friend to this boy too. It was a dream I never imagined would come true.
And then something magical happened. My dream came true, and a couple of weeks ago this boy told me he loves me too.